Gratitude in the Mistakes

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. -Melody Beattie

Many in Facebook land are participating in the "Days of Gratitude" for the month of November; basically listing something or someone they are thankful for everyday. I started with the usual - Justin, my Mom, friends, and of course Zeekers. But on the treadmill this morning, I started thinking about being thankful for the bad times, the bad choices, the mistakes. Is that possible? Am just trying to romanticize the past?

I have made my share of decisions that turned out "wrong" - I spent a lot of years making choices based upon pleasing others. I was absolutely terrifed to let someone down, to hurt someones feelings, or to not live up to someone else's expectations of me. I suddenly had an awakening in my early 30's - it took an ultimate 'bad decision' to wake me up and give me the courage to start living my life for me.


I reflect on 5 years ago and the pain I was in and I can truly say I am grateful for it; every tear, every angry word, every mistake equaled a lesson learned. The mistakes piled up to be a giant mountain that I almost allowed to crush me but I found the courage to face the consequences and to make changes to me and my life. I believe everything is about balance; I couldn't savor the true joy I feel today without the true pain I put myself through in the past.

Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions. ~Author Unknown

So...yea, I can find gratitude in the bad choices, in the mistakes - every one led me to where I am today. I am O.K. with me today, I sleep well at night, I am surrounded by love, and I laugh alot.....what more do I need?

I think I can, I think I can.......I KNOW I CAN

Those of you who are close to me, know we made a huge lifestyle change in January; quit smoking and joined a gym. What you may not know is how addicted Justin and I have become to our wonderful gym. We belong to Promatx, a small family owned gym that we just can't say enough about. All shapes, sizes, fitness levels, and ages are found at our gym; we are about as far from a "meat market / single scene" gym you can get. I love that no one is excluded and everyone is encouraged to give it THEIR all. One of my favorite group exercise instructors yells, "Work hard for you" and "Why did you get up this morning?" - those words are such motivators for me. I am proud to tell others about this amazing family we have become a part of at Promatx - and they aren't paying me to say these things, promise!

I have a habit of starting lots of things, making lots of goals, but I never finish them.....I don't commit well. Well....this is amazing, I'm not losing tons of weight but I still wake up at least 4 mornings a week at 4:30am and drag my ass to the gym because I AM WORTH IT! Progress is my goal, not a number on the scale. Ok, I admit I do want to see smaller numbers on the scale! But, I want to look in the mirror naked and see abs, see toned muscles, see a body I am proud of; I could give a shit what the size of my pants or the scale says (for the most part). I am committed to living a long healthy life and being in the best physical shape I can be in.

I know with all my heart I give my all every time I go to the gym and my downfall is my diet. We still love to go out with friends, watch football, and drink beer; therefore I have to learn how to find the right balance. I've got the gym routine down, now I just gotta get the diet down.....I swear I drag my butt outta bed just so I can eat more calories that day! With help I am finding the right macros and calories that work for me and I truly believe I will be in that bikini by summer.

Sooner or Later, EVERYONE Stops Smoking

Today is Day 4 of zero cigarettes. This time around I am attempting to rid myself of this nasty habit with the help of pharmaceuticals. I started taking Chantix on January 5th and one week later quit smoking. Compared to prior attempts at laying down the cancer sticks, this is A LOT easier. The habit is still there, I want a cigarette at specific times, after certain activities, but the overwhelming urge is not as strong as it has been in the past. I actually had a few margaritas with friends last night and didn't think about bundling up and going out into the freezing cold for a nicotine fix! That, my friends, is not just progress it is a freaking miracle!

Chantix comes with an entire catalog of possible side effects. The most dangerous being thoughts of suicide and the least dangerous....flautulence. I made my spousal equivalent read the side effects and asked him to pay attention to the mental ones; I mean, I could go crazy and not REALIZE I was crazy. I know this can really occur because I have had family members experience the aforementioned. So far the only side effect I am experiencing is sleep disturbance due to crazy, insane dreams. My dreams aren't nightmares, they are simply weird and the same dream lasts ALL night long. I can wake up go back to sleep and pick right back up. Last week I dreamed we were in an airport and kept missing our flight for hours, I dreamed I was a plantation owner in Georgia pre-Civil war (thanks to the book, The Help, I just finished...excellent read by the way), that's just a few topics I can name. I wake up exhausted and usually my first lucid thought of the day is "WOW, WTF???" However, in the scheme of possibilities related to side effects, I'll take odd dreams over depression, crying spells, mania, or suicide.

I have motivational quotes taped up on my cube wall and the one I like best is from Joan Baez; "You don't get to choose how you are going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you are going to live. Now." Today, I decide I am going to be smoke-free.