Gratitude in the Mistakes

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. -Melody Beattie

Many in Facebook land are participating in the "Days of Gratitude" for the month of November; basically listing something or someone they are thankful for everyday. I started with the usual - Justin, my Mom, friends, and of course Zeekers. But on the treadmill this morning, I started thinking about being thankful for the bad times, the bad choices, the mistakes. Is that possible? Am just trying to romanticize the past?

I have made my share of decisions that turned out "wrong" - I spent a lot of years making choices based upon pleasing others. I was absolutely terrifed to let someone down, to hurt someones feelings, or to not live up to someone else's expectations of me. I suddenly had an awakening in my early 30's - it took an ultimate 'bad decision' to wake me up and give me the courage to start living my life for me.


I reflect on 5 years ago and the pain I was in and I can truly say I am grateful for it; every tear, every angry word, every mistake equaled a lesson learned. The mistakes piled up to be a giant mountain that I almost allowed to crush me but I found the courage to face the consequences and to make changes to me and my life. I believe everything is about balance; I couldn't savor the true joy I feel today without the true pain I put myself through in the past.

Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions. ~Author Unknown

So...yea, I can find gratitude in the bad choices, in the mistakes - every one led me to where I am today. I am O.K. with me today, I sleep well at night, I am surrounded by love, and I laugh alot.....what more do I need?

I think I can, I think I can.......I KNOW I CAN

Those of you who are close to me, know we made a huge lifestyle change in January; quit smoking and joined a gym. What you may not know is how addicted Justin and I have become to our wonderful gym. We belong to Promatx, a small family owned gym that we just can't say enough about. All shapes, sizes, fitness levels, and ages are found at our gym; we are about as far from a "meat market / single scene" gym you can get. I love that no one is excluded and everyone is encouraged to give it THEIR all. One of my favorite group exercise instructors yells, "Work hard for you" and "Why did you get up this morning?" - those words are such motivators for me. I am proud to tell others about this amazing family we have become a part of at Promatx - and they aren't paying me to say these things, promise!

I have a habit of starting lots of things, making lots of goals, but I never finish them.....I don't commit well. Well....this is amazing, I'm not losing tons of weight but I still wake up at least 4 mornings a week at 4:30am and drag my ass to the gym because I AM WORTH IT! Progress is my goal, not a number on the scale. Ok, I admit I do want to see smaller numbers on the scale! But, I want to look in the mirror naked and see abs, see toned muscles, see a body I am proud of; I could give a shit what the size of my pants or the scale says (for the most part). I am committed to living a long healthy life and being in the best physical shape I can be in.

I know with all my heart I give my all every time I go to the gym and my downfall is my diet. We still love to go out with friends, watch football, and drink beer; therefore I have to learn how to find the right balance. I've got the gym routine down, now I just gotta get the diet down.....I swear I drag my butt outta bed just so I can eat more calories that day! With help I am finding the right macros and calories that work for me and I truly believe I will be in that bikini by summer.

Sooner or Later, EVERYONE Stops Smoking

Today is Day 4 of zero cigarettes. This time around I am attempting to rid myself of this nasty habit with the help of pharmaceuticals. I started taking Chantix on January 5th and one week later quit smoking. Compared to prior attempts at laying down the cancer sticks, this is A LOT easier. The habit is still there, I want a cigarette at specific times, after certain activities, but the overwhelming urge is not as strong as it has been in the past. I actually had a few margaritas with friends last night and didn't think about bundling up and going out into the freezing cold for a nicotine fix! That, my friends, is not just progress it is a freaking miracle!

Chantix comes with an entire catalog of possible side effects. The most dangerous being thoughts of suicide and the least dangerous....flautulence. I made my spousal equivalent read the side effects and asked him to pay attention to the mental ones; I mean, I could go crazy and not REALIZE I was crazy. I know this can really occur because I have had family members experience the aforementioned. So far the only side effect I am experiencing is sleep disturbance due to crazy, insane dreams. My dreams aren't nightmares, they are simply weird and the same dream lasts ALL night long. I can wake up go back to sleep and pick right back up. Last week I dreamed we were in an airport and kept missing our flight for hours, I dreamed I was a plantation owner in Georgia pre-Civil war (thanks to the book, The Help, I just finished...excellent read by the way), that's just a few topics I can name. I wake up exhausted and usually my first lucid thought of the day is "WOW, WTF???" However, in the scheme of possibilities related to side effects, I'll take odd dreams over depression, crying spells, mania, or suicide.

I have motivational quotes taped up on my cube wall and the one I like best is from Joan Baez; "You don't get to choose how you are going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you are going to live. Now." Today, I decide I am going to be smoke-free.

34? Really?

I called my Mom on the way home as I do most evenings to discuss my day, her day, what's new; it's "our thing." She asked, "Do you feel 34?" I flippantly replied, "I don't feel a day over 25." We continued our discussion about my birthday tradition at my favorite sushi restaurant tomorrow night, my upcoming trip to Chicago this weekend to celebrate, family events, work events, etc and I didn't really think about the number attached to my age again.

But as I sit here and reflect on the last year and my Mom's question, I really don't feel 34. But how is 34 supposed to feel??? Am I suppose to feel "old?" I don't. Age is just a number. I've lived through a lot of life "stuff" that some 34 year olds have not had to deal with and I haven't experienced a lot of life "stuff" that some 34 year olds have had to deal with. When I was a little girl, I thought 34 was old and I also had an image of what I would be like at 34. Sadly and happily I haven't turned out to be the image of what my 5 year old mind envisioned.

I am not an anchorwoman for the evening news, I don't have a child, I'm not rich and I don't look like Barbie; I don't know why but for some reason at 5, I thought for sure I would have Barbie's boobs by the ripe old age of 34. My image and goals for myself have changed dramatically over the years. Some have even changed A LOT in the last 5 years; I quit a great job, went back to school, went through a divorce, decided I really didn't want children of my own, all because for once I decided to be true to me and quit pleasing everyone around me.

Here is why I do feel 34: I am ok with me, I can go to lunch by myself in a nice restaurant and have a good time, I can go out with a group of people and hold my head up because I know I am living the life I want, I have learned how to stand up for myself and speak my mind without feeling guilty, I can cook and host a great dinner with friends, I have a sense of security I have never felt, and I can look in the mirror and be proud of the woman I have become. I didn't feel this way at 30 and I love it!!!

Age is just a number. If everyone is living the life they want and not letting the small stuff get in the way of true happiness than it doesn't matter if you are 21 of 85. I can honestly say I wouldn't go back to 25 or even 30, but I wouldn't give up the lessons I learned through the years either. My life isn't perfect today, but I have all I need and a lot of what I want. I have a wonderful boyfriend who really knows me and loves me. I have a close friends that I trust explictly. I have a dog who is my "fur baby." I have a Mom who is one of my best friends. All of these things have come with time and with time comes more birthdays.

So bring on the birthdays because I don't want to miss a moment of this journey I am on. And to my 5 year old self, we may not have Barbie's boobs or be on the evening news, but we turn out pretty good and one day we'll buy those boobs.

Are you Ready for some FOOTBALL?

It's like Christmas morning at our house.  Sure we love summer, cookouts, and hot days but summer lacks one thing......FOOTBALL!!!  It has been a long 7 months as we anxiously awaited the return of Football Sunday at our home.

First of all we do Football Sunday right.  Justin and I both play fantasy football so we have a vested interest in almost all games.  Also we purchased NFL Sunday ticket last year to save money from going out every Sunday and spending way too much money on food and beer.  We have 2 big screen televisions set up in our living room; no doubt I'm a huge fan to allow that, huh?  We usually watch Red Zone on one and a game of our choice on the other.   I always cook some good "football food"; today is going to be jamabalaya.  When we go to Chicago next weekend, we will stock up on all the fixins to do real Chicago dogs.....YUM-O!

So put on your favorite jersey, pop open a beer, cook some good food and enjoy the day with those you love!

Bear, Bears and Prawns

I am in the midst of a four day weekend.  WHOOHOOO!!! Due to my odd work schedule, I work 4 tens every other week and have Friday off.  Also when I have to work a Saturday I get another day off throughout the week; working next Saturday = OFF ON MONDAY!!!  Now, I am loosely using the word off because I am helping my "person" (aka Stacy / best friend) with childcare for her almost 4 year old little boy Charlie (Bear).  I spent the day with him Friday; Jacobson Park, swimming, riding his bike, and answering non-stop questions.  I know he had to have asked "why" at least 403 times in 8 hours.  Since I probably won't be having kids of my own, this little guy truly has a piece of his Sissy's heart.  I'm thinking tomorrow we may check out Monkey Joes or the Explorium.

As of Friday evening we didn't have a/c again; third time this summer.  A little over $350 spent and it is now cool again.  We know we have to buy a new unit, we are just trying to milk every last drop out of this one before we pay an arm, a leg, and possibly a finger or two for the next one. 

We watched Da Bears preseason game with one of Justin's good friends last night.  Although the Raiders won it was still good to see football again! 

I'm now in the midst of laundry.  It never ceases to amaze me the amount of laundry 2 adults can produce.  I just don't know how some of my friends with 2 and 3 kids keep up with it.  Justin is outside edging and eventually I have to head out and help him trim some trees, but for the moment I'm certainly enjoying this a/c.

This evening we are going to chill out, grill some yummy prawns and just be.  I have to rest up for my play date tomorrow.  Hope all is well with each one of you.  Make time for a little bit of fun and laughter today.  I just read a quote on my Mom's Facebook page and I loved it, it is from Danny Kaye....."Life is a great big canvas you should throw all the paint on it you can."  I think I'm going to ask myself every day if I'm throwing enough paint on my canvas, how about you?

Uncle!!!

I am simply done for the moment.  I normally don't write blogs complaining about my job, my life, etc because all in all I am blessed.  I look at all the heartache those I love have had to endure in the past year and I have no right to complain.

But today I am having "one of those days!"  I'm pissed, I'm bitchy, and  I really don't like people.  There, I said it, I don't like people today!!!  I have one more hour left at work and I'm just sitting here hoping a student doesn't come to the office wanting to know where his or her "surplus" (refund) money is......for the love of all things holy, please don't let this happen.  I can't promise you that I won't answer with bodily harm. 
I won't go into other details of my job as a financial aid officer, but lets just say.....it sucks today!

I'm also sad for close family members who lost their Mom / Grandmother today. I hurt with them because I know what it is like to bury your last living grandparent; a piece of your past, your history, dies too.  All in all I am irritable, cranky and sad....not a good combination.

Tomorrow is a new day and it will be better.  Did you hear that Universe?  Tomorrow WILL be better.